by Kazeem Olalekan MRPharmS MBCS
I will like to devote the first instalment of our viewpoint series (after the hiatus brought about by the extra demands of the bedfordshire and hampshire projects) to the three terms: parent, parenting and parenthood. I wish to do this to shed some light on an important point and I will ask you, just for a moment, to forget what you understand these terms to mean. I wish to de-construct and then re-construct these terms to fit my narative.
parent
• noun 1 a father or mother. 2 an animal or plant from which younger ones are derived. 3 an organization or company which owns or controls a number of subsidiaries. 4 archaic a forefather or ancestor.
• verb be or act as a parent to.
Compact Oxford English Dictionary
A parent could either be biological father or a biological mother. To be a parent you simply needed to have had a sexual encounter which then resulted in an offspring (or progeny in biology parlance). However, you can also be a parent if you were to adopt a child or even act as a surrogate. The key point here is anyone can be a parent. Being a parent in itself is not a badge of honour.
parenthood
the state of being a parent ; specifically : the position, function, or standing of a parent
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
If parenthood is the standing of a parent, let me attempt to de-construct it. If I say to you that I am going to my hood, I hope you understand what I mean. A hood is a slang. A shortened form of ‘neighbourhood’ which often implies a ghetto or urban community. It could also mean a criminal or a delinquent (The Online Slang Dictionary). I propose that parenthood is the endpoint of being a parent. The state (or standing) of that endpoint is a matter of perception i.e. is it a hood that you are proud of? or is it a hood that fills you with disappointment? Furthermore, there is the added complexity of how you determine when you have arrived at that endpoint. Some might argue that there is no endpoint. I will touch on this later. For now, I will argue that from the time you become a parent, you begin a journey to parenthood (the house of the parent). That house may be one you are proud of (denoted: p[p]) or a house you are disappointed in (denoted: p[d])
parenting
noun 1 : the raising of a child by its parents 2 : the act or process of becoming a parent 3 : the taking care of someone in the manner of a parent
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
I will argue here that to get to parenthood from being a parent you will have to navigate a course. That course is parenting. Parenting is the means by which a parent gets to parenthood. So there are loads of books out there on the psychology of parenting. After researching these psychological concepts online, I arrived at a familiar conclusion: Loads of information but all inaccessible or irrelevant. Maybe this is a reflection of the complexity of parenting. Parenting, it has been said, is a difficult job and the most important responsibility. In-spite of the little training offered to parents, they are nevertheless constantly criticised for every mistakes they make. The great Bill Cosby said ‘ My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn’t because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.’ He also said ‘No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.’ (from Brainy Quotes).
I believe that most parents want to get to that utopia that is parenthood (p[p]). Otherwise why bother with the complex act of parenting. I also believe that they sometimes try too hard but who am I to say? I am a parent, still parenting but no where near parenthood. I will hope my mother will look back at raising 5 children and say, yeah I have attained parenthood that I am proud of (p[p]). But then again that judgement is hers alone to make. Why is this important? Well take my daughter as an example: She is almost 3 years old going on 20. I sometimes wonder who is older judging from the way she tells me off. ‘No you mustn’t do that daddy’, ‘Don’t be silly daddy’. My wife and I know that given the choice, my daughter (at this moment) prefers her mother to read to her at bedtime. So when she is being naughty about going to bed, we threaten her with the prospect of daddy reading to her in bed. It surprises me how effective this is. She just falls asleep instantly! I am sure she will grow out of it (I hope). She is however happy for me to put her to bed when her mother is out and will even utter ‘I love you daddy’. At that fleeting point I attain parenthood (that I am proud of) (p[p]). I however believe the state of parenthood (p[p] or p[d]) to a long continuum. That is why I think the utopia that is p[p] is ideal but impractical.
Should we then give up on parenthood (p[p])?
The answer is an emphatic no! This is a zero-sum game in which a participant’s gain or loss is balanced by the loses or gains of the other participant. You are in the game by virtue of being a parent. If you do not pursue p[p] to the best of your ability, someone else will and you will end up with p[d]. The only realistic way of pursuing p[p] is to take clues from your offspring, experts and the wider environment at large.
What is the point of all these?
I will let you in on an open secret: I am a pharmacist with scientific background. I don’t know much about anything else but I know a thing or two about medicines. The most important thing I have learnt is that what I know today may be proven to be false tomorrow when a new evidence comes to light. So I always keep my mind open. Recently we were told that we should not sell certain cough and cold medicines to children under the age of 6 simply because they don’t work (link) and that they will only cause side effects such as allergic reactions, effects on sleep or hallucination. If as a parent, I am confronted with this fact, my first question will be: ‘What damage have I been doing to my child by giving her these medicines?’ If I am re-assured that there is no cause for alarm or there is little risk of long-term problems, then I will say thank you for bringing this to my attention. I might even ask about what other options are available to treat my daughter when she gets cough and cold again. What I will not do is insist on continuing with the medicine in light of the new evidence…unless of course I know it works and is safe or I am using it for the benefits(or otherwise) of the side effects.
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